last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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