My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
