mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
