well I can't set my house on fire every night
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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