if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
