that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
