i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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