u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
too bad you live with your parents still
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
