There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
