how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He? As in you personified your dick?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize