but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
