I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
