Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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