Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
