it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
