I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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