i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
