my phone needs a breathalizer
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
