Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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