When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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