why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
