I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
