Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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