Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
