checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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