I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
