is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize