I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
