but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
