At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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