My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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