Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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