Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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