I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Randomize
