The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize