walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
