someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
kristin has been a bad kristin
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
