I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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