Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize