Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
