Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
