census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
