Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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