My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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