Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
