textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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