I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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