My balls are so social today.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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