college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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