Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize