you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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