Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
