she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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