So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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