You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
