Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
