im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
